Bath Salts: The Face-Craving Sensation!
By Max Amini: I tweeted recently about the growing appearance of “bath salts” in national headlines and it left some of my followers confused. For those who don’t follow me, well ... you will be in forever darkness!!! WOOHAHA! Or you can just follow me @MaxComedian. Anyway, I decided to share my two cents on this controversy at large.
Bath salts are America’s newest designer drugs, or as I like to call them, disaster drugs! From what I’ve seen on the news, they cause you to hear demons and run around screaming your head off until either the police have unloaded a round in you, or you find yourself eating your roommate’s dog.
Where in the...
world does someone get the bright idea to trip balls SO hard that they find themselves chewing the paint off a cop car... yes, it happened! And just how does the desire to be THAT effed up spread nationwide? People all over the country are ingesting bath salts, then popping up in emergency rooms every day after suddenly gaining an appetite for their roommate’s face. Gun to my head, I think I can say that if I was given the choice to either snort bath salts or jump off the Empire State Building, I would choose to jump. I would rather enjoy those few seconds of adrenaline rush instead of rushing to eat someone’s face! For real.
What’s the drug dealer’s sales pitch for these drugs anyway??? Does he hire Hannibal Lector to swoop in and perform some kind of commercial? “Hey, 4 out of 5 cannibals recommend this!!” Does the packaged product come with Sweeney Todd’s seal of approval? Perhaps the biggest joke of them all is that kids are still doing it. Any person with half a brain should be able to read between the lines: “Listen, kids. Don’t do bath salts. Snorting this shit is going to make you hungry for people’s faces.” BUT NO! Apparently, there are some deranged kids out there thinking, “You know, I’ve always wondered what eyelid cartilage tastes like. Ooooh yeah, I think I’ll give bath salts a shot.”
Max Amini is an Iranian American stand up comedian born in Tucson Arizona and raised on the East Coast. He graduated from UCLA’s school of Theater, Film and Television in 2004. As an actor, Max has numerous film and television credits including NBC’s Heroes, regular appearances on Comedy Central’s Mind of Mencia, and a leading role in the upcoming film Beer Pong. Max performs nightly at comedy clubs in Los Angeles, and you can also catch him in a stand up special currently airing on Showtime.
